Searching for Sugar Daddy ? This is how it happened. Taffy Brodesser- Akner investigates the bold new transactional- love economy.
THURSTON VON MONEYBAGSThurston Von Moneybags (not his real name) was scammed once by a girl in Houston. He had arranged to meet her so that he might size her up and determine whether he wanted to give her a monthly stipend in exchange for regular sex and sometimes maybe dinner. In other words: Was there chemistry? Was she blonde and blue- eyed, the way he liked them? Was she thin “but not anorexic, a shapely body, you know?” Could he talk to her?
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That was very important. It was a little important. It wasn't that important. Anyway, she asked for money up front, and he sent her $8. She didn't show to the meet, and that's the last time Thurston Von Moneybags ever got hustled again.
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Now he meets the girls for lunch before he offers them an ahem arrangement, and he is very clear. He doesn't give them money until their second date, when they're in the bedroom, which sometimes feels bad, which sometimes chips away at his this- isn't- prostitution line—Thurston was raised Catholic, after all—but what's the alternative? Getting scammed again? A thing you should know is that there are very few people to root for in this story. Which is not to say that old Thurston is a bad guy. He went to some of the best colleges and grad schools. He loves to treat a lady well.
Just ask his ex- wife—even she wouldn't say a bad word about him. But you know how it is, the fires dampen, and he wanted a lot of sex—“I'm Italian! I have this gene!”—and eventually they divorced, and Thurston wanted something, mainly a lot of sex without having to beg for it, and to be found attractive again. But on all the traditional dating sites, the women didn't just want sex. They wanted companionship and respect and a relationship with a forward trajectory. They wanted hand- holding and flowers and surprises. Not for me, said Thurston.
Thurston wanted sex, and he wanted eagerness about the sex. So one day when he was at the gym, he saw this old guy with a very pretty young lady, and when Thurston expressed confusion to his trainer, his trainer explained that the geezer was her sugar daddy and that the young fawn was his sugar baby. Well, you could barely keep Thurston on a lat- press machine after that.
He dashed home and did some Googling and found Seeking. Arrangement. com, a site built for wealthy (to varying degrees) men who are seeking a formal (to varying degrees) arrangement for sex and (to varying degrees) companionship with someone who in turn is looking for cash and prizes without any drama. Drama, according to Thurston, includes taking your time to decide whether you want to have sex, having any motive beyond the one you stipulated up front (which was greed), and a presumption that you will be courted.
No, sir, Thurston's courting days are over. Sugar dating is the oldest dynamic around: Rich person contracts poorer but younger/hotter person into some combination of obligations that includes but is only rarely limited to straight- up sex. As long as people have had money and other people have wanted money, this has been a thing. But technology has affected this mini- economy twofold: First, as with any Etsy shop, anyone with a good to sell can now easily intersect with someone who wants this good; and second, it has created a culture of righteous entitlement, in which a fringe thing feels mainstream when you find enough people who participate in it. Seeking. Arrangement is just one of several sugar- dating sites, but a popular one. On all these websites, the splash page features a beautiful young woman, elegant but with sideboob, and either she's overtly dangling a piece of jewelry or she is wearing it. She looks into the camera.
Each time, a man, older, nearing silver status, is looking right at her, unable to take his rich, priapic eyes off her. He has the beginnings of male- pattern baldness: baldness that says, “I've lived, I have money, here is a bracelet.” He is about to lean into her neck, maybe take a big old bite out of it, and she hangs back, only for a moment, only to tell us her secret, which is: “Look, I got a bracelet.”Everyone on Seeking.
Arrangement knows what they're there for, Thurston says. What is so bad about formalizing the arrangement so that we can all just go home happy?
And aside from that unpleasantness with that woman who scammed him, all Thurston had to wrestle with, really, was the nagging guilt that maybe this whole sugar- dating thing isn't so okay, particularly since he began before his divorce was even finalized. This felt like an ethical dilemma.” But he reminded himself that he was actually helping someone, a poor student, or someone who badly needed the money for, I don't know, medical bills or back taxes or vaping supplies. And that's what it came down to: “The whole concept of a sugar daddy intrigued me, because even if I were dating someone traditionally, I'd give them money anyway.”In any case, Thurston found no shortage of willing candidates eager to accept his altruism, and he dated a bunch of them at once, feeling like a “kid in a candy store.” Eventually he settled on one very beautiful woman, 2. Wells Fargo account that he could drop $5,0. A note on the negotiation, from Thurston: “A lot of women put like $1. They saw each other for five years. Thurston got his happy ending, and he never got scammed again.
And he knows he got off easy with that woman; there are worse and more humiliating scams in the sugar- dating zip code than just losing a few hundred bucks. Back in October, Manhattan millionaire Paul Aronson, 8. Seeking. Arrangement. He was rescued eventually, but while the twins got what they came for, poor Paul never did. In 2. 01. 3, Google executive Forrest Hayes spent his last hours nodding off on his yacht after the sugar baby he met on the site injected him (willingly) with heroin; he (less willingly) died in front of her. For the most part, the scamming in sugar dating is mutual. KITTEN BABYPUSSThere was a really famous TV star at the bar of the Manhattan restaurant where I met Kitten Babypuss (not her real name), but not one person was looking at him.
Instead, it was Kitten, with her fake fur and her high heels and tight jeans and her elaborately etched glitter makeup, who drew everyone's eyes—a very beautiful Bratz doll. It was Kitten, 2. I sort of wanted to touch, who made a woman in her forties stare so angrily that her husband forced her to change seats so that her back was to Kitten. Kitten left home when she was 1. She wound up in a program for homeless youth and lived in a shelter. Most of the girls there weren't pretty like her, and they'd make fun of her, saying, “What are you doing here, princess?” She never felt safe. One day, she saw a Dr.
Phil segment about sugar dating. She wants to become a choreographer, and the money has been really helpful. Kitten says that it isn't always about sex: There were some nebbishy men (and some women; she's sugar- dated both) who just wanted companionship. And they really don't have time to woo a woman or to like, you know, answer your phone calls.”Kitten doesn't like to think of it as getting paid for sex—she thinks of the sex as just something that happens naturally when two people spend time together. And she thinks of the money as a contribution a real boyfriend would make, just more. Sometimes she gets a wad of money to go buy some clothing. Other times, it's concert tickets with backstage passes.
Prada sunglasses, Jimmy Choos, Armani clothing, her Honda Civic.. But the world can be a judgmental place. Kitten was teaching dance to kids for a while, and then one of the parents caught wind of what she did on the side, and suddenly there was no room for Kitten in the next season's teaching roster. The woman who had protested against her, according to Kitten, had escaped her abusive husband by secretly setting aside extra money until she could afford to leave him. I told her that wasn't really true. We just loved each other and made it work. We're also both journalists, me and my husband, which is to say that we've been bringing each other down financially and “beneficially” since the day we met.
Okay, says Kitten, but what she means is that this is really no different from what a stay- at- home mom does with her working husband: You earn the money and I'll do this other thing we need. The world is built on compromise and negotiation, and life is a series of small humiliations. All these arguments are in service of telling me that it's only our ingrained puritanism that brings us to judge formalized arrangements like this.
Before we parted ways and the woman at the next table was left to return to her resting blood pressure, Kitten showed me the Seeking. Arrangement app on her phone, all the messages that constantly come in from potential suitors. Some are cut- and- paste jobs saying, “I am interested in meeting a smart, classy woman interested in pushing her boundaries” (read: have threesomes). Most of them, though, simply read “$5. Look at me,” says Kitten.
I might as well get something from it.”3. Scrooge Mc. Fuck. Scrooge Mc. Fuck (not his real name) does not want a chub or an older girl (say, over 3. Scrooge could probably have any woman he wants—he's wealthy and single and a TV producer in Las Vegas—and so it's hard to understand why he doesn't just go out there and find someone in a more traditional way. Until he explains it.
See, Scrooge has a Weird Sex Thing he likes, and he finds it hard to bring it up. You can even put it out on the table before the first date. And if she says no, she's not for you. Her loss!(And here I must confess that I've become obsessed to the point of being unhinged over trying to figure out what sex act Scrooge could possibly want that is so horrible. Is it something plain and regular, like anal?
Maybe he wants to wear some lingerie? Does he want to punch her in the stomach while he sucks on a pacifier? Does he need her in a clown suit as he takes a dump on her clown nose?
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